Here I am sitting in my dorm room in the middle of another semester at Aurora University with my laptop on my lap, and multiple windows pulled up of colleges, majors, and careers. As college proceeds and my mind has yet to be made up this type of night is not as typical as it should be considering my lack of decision and urgency in needing to decided. As a freshman who thought she was decided but was so very the opposite it did not seem too pressing to make up my mind, but as days go by, and more importantly bills are paid, I am beginning to stress about what my future holds.
Going into college as a freshman and the summer after my senior year I decided to be a nursing student. After taking biology I decided not be a nursing student. Thats when I knew I wanted to be an elementary school teacher. After taking math for elementary school teachers and realizing how much my fellow students were doing to prepare for their career in teaching I decided I didn’t have as much passion, and did not want to be an elementary school teacher. After spending a summer helping get the word out about the tragedy of human trafficking with my friends in Love Can’t Be Baht I decided I wanted to study communications… but as days go by my list of interests continues to grow when I feel like it should be being narrowed down. From accountant to photographer or fashion merchandiser to athletic trainer I have had so many epiphanies of what it is I want to do that I can’t trust them anymore. One day I get an idea of a career that I know I want to do, but at what point to I decide that I have made up my mind?
As for now I will continue to pray and ask God to show me what he has in store for my amazing future, and be content with what he is giving me now to work with. When it all comes down to it I want to do something that I love. Something that even if it doesn’t make me a fortune I still can come home everyday and feel fulfilment knowing that I thoroughly enjoy life. There are so many options and life is not limited to just one, so why shouldn’t we pursue what we love, and live without limitations?
I’m sitting here alone watching How I Met Your Mother. Wishing that I could have the company of summer with me. Recapping on what a wonderful summer this has been.
The school year takes us away from eachother and on seperate paths of life, but it has always been known that this is a temporary fix. When summer time rolls back around we find ourselves back where we left off. I’m lucky to have some of the best summer company there is to have. We go through so much together and we grow closer in our relationships with one another. We teach eachother difficlut things, make mistakes, learn from eachother, and simply live life together. Not a day went by this summer that I wasn’t blessed to have the company of one, if not all, of these wonderful people. We have been lucky in the sense that most high school friendships don’t make it through the first year of school. New friends are made, old grow less and less a part of your life. But these people have been with me in some way all year. Our relationships are unique in a way that we can exist as a group, but we also have relationships on individual levels as well. Whether its walking through Walmart late at night or having rooftop conversations with the bros, spontaneous plans that lead to a week in New York with my two best friends, or the complete wholeness of having us all together in Chris’s basement with haircuts and cat time…
I simply wouldn’t have the same life without them, and this summer has made me realize that with passing time we will not always be here together in these moments. I’m not saying this to get sappy, but to truly take in to consideration that this time cannot be taken for granted. Who knows what next summer could hold? Anything is possible: Internships, engagements, studies abroad, and paths unthought of. We cannot foresee what life will bring. And although these friendships will always remain we will grow up, we will go our separate ways, and we will not always be able to call one another up on a whim to meet in the Kroger parking lot and plan a VC scandal. =) Although Love Can’t Be Baht will press on, we may never again all go to Cornerstone, and enjoy a summer of music and friendship all in one place.
As this summer pulls to end, my hope is that these moments we all share together are not over, but many more memories to be made are on the way. I don’t want any of the time we have spent together to be taken for granted, but I want us to know that we are all part of a rare friendship. As life takes us on our separate paths, and we grow up and gain responsibilty (honestly who needs that?) I hope eventhough someday we will go our seperate ways we will in some way remain a part of eachothers lives in the same way that we have helped shape one another to be the individual young adults we are now. And we will never forget the nights in tents, the mornings brusing our teeth in Panera bathrooms, the coffee at Calvin Fletcher’s, and the time spent all on laptops (but we were still together and that’s all that mattered). I love my company of summer.
I’m more confused than ever as I let you seep in.The company of loneliness is present once again. I want to get out. Step away from my constant desire…
because it seems as if the decisions I make to simplify my life only make it more difficult. I can’t get you off my mind, because everything I do throughout my day holds some memory. A memory that we made together. You are the lyrics on the pages of a song on the radio.You are under my footsteps when I run to clear my mind. You are the listening ear I confess to when I tell my friends we are not through. You are in the embrace when they tell me its alright. I am in your arms when I fall asleep at night. These words of wisdom were given to me, “Nothing is ever over.” These words speak truth more than ever in my inability to put this to rest. Although the void of your contact in my phone speaks of your absence you are in my every text with only a hope that you will appear again out of no where, as if nothing ever happened. You are beside me when I say something that only you would get. I hear your laugh but its only an echo of a laugh that I knew by heart a day last summer. When I said goodbye your hurt said “I hope you find him”. And that whisper lingers in my ear, and makes me fear that taking things for granted is my biggest vice.
I am more confused than ever as I let you seep in. The company of loneliness is present once again. I want to get out. Step away from my constant desire… but sometimes the only one who can make it all better is the one who is causing the hunger.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who are we to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous.
Actually, who are we not to be.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won’t feel small around you. We were born to manifest the glory that is within us. It is not just in some of us, it is in everyone. And when we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
This summer has been one of great change. I have experienced a lot of opening and closing of doors, as old opportunities come to an end, and new opportunities find their way to me. I have always assumed that the summer and year after senior year of high school is one that is full of the most decisions. Besides, that is when you decide where to pursue higher education, and what you will study to enter the career field you will eventually work in for a big chunk of your adult life. As I am concluding my first year of college, I am coming to the realization that graduation and the first year outside of high school are only the beginning of all of the decisions to come. The decisions I make now will affect the rest of my life. Someday I hope to have a husband I love, a career I enjoy, and a family to share it with. It seems as if all of the decisions I make will lead me to that point, but I also cannot overlook that the journey to get there can be just as valuable as the end goal. The journey is the part that gives a person perspective and when you learn the most about yourself.
I’m in a place right now where the weight of decision making feels as if it is too much to bare. I have never been a decisive person and this stage of life is proving to be a time when assertiveness is an extremely valuable skill to posses. I long to be a person who can wiegh the pros and cons, decide which option is best, and make a verdict without looking back and saying “what if”. But the unknown is what makes it so hard for me to commit. Its as if I’m thinking “what if” before I have even come to a conclusion. I fear the unknown, becuase I am comfortable with my life, and I do not want to step outside of my cozy little community. Recently I have been feeling a strong pull to step outside of my comfort zone and into the unknown. I dont want to look back on my life someday and think “I lived comfortable life and never took risks” but instead to look back and know that I took advantage of so many opportunities, and didn’t let things inhibit me. Some of the best rewards come out of taking chances. It maybe “safe” for me to be content with the friends that I have, but if I don’t push myself outside of what is familiar I may never see what I am missing out on. I think it is time for me to put my fears aside, stop talking big plans, and take action. Eventhough I may be uncertain of how things will turn out I will not let the unknown be a roadblock that keeps me from living a life of opportunity.
A best friend of mind recently told me that in order to become a good journalist it is important to be honest with yourself. You must come to a point where you can think and speak articulately, and do it all uncensored. Honesty with myself and others has been an essentially evident, and undeiable theme in my life recently, and more precisely this summer. Since I’m in the practice of being completely honest with myself I can honestly say that journalism is not something I feel like I excel at. It is something I aspire to excel at, to be a writer that can strongly communicate in writing the thoughts and feelings God injects into my brain. But as soon as I think of someone reading my work I can’t help but to let a little fear seep in at the understanding that I am making my thoughts and words vulnerable to be judged. It becomes hard for me to formulate what I will say next, but I must shake off the fear, and keep my mind unrestricted. In my accord to honesty I also must add that I hope that my writing is not just a way to vent or come to know more about myself, but will be viewed by others and eventually identified as a talent that I posess. I have been known to hide from recognition of my achievements, but even the most timid can’t help but smile to know their capabilities are noticed and appreciated. I don’t expect to become a great writer, but I do hope to feel the satisfaction in knowing one person hears what I have to say and gains some understanding or encouragement, or simply relates to me. So as I am embarking on this journey of breaking down all the walls between insecurities/fears and truth I hope to learn more about myself and gain perspective in the process.
Close the door.
Don’t search anymore,
because it’s all a facade.
The best fairytale and folklore.
He’s too good to be true,
and although it sounds perfect
perfection’s a lie,
and this story has defect.
Prophesies and miracles that boast of his name,
they give him great fame,
but in this day they are lacking.
Aren’t these days just the same
as the ones of generations decades ago
when a man walked on water and a bush burned aglow?
So I refuse to buy it,
‘cause the evidence is shot,
but as my doubt persists to grow
I feel further from truth,
As I let go of God,
and the ways of my youth.
There’s a brick in my mind,
and it’s weighing me down.
It gets harder to breath,
and I think I might drown.
The ways of society just aren’t for me.
I want someting real,
something bigger than goals of a college degree.
Bigger than wealth and popularity.
I want you now,
‘cause I know my mistake.
My life without you
just makes me fake.
I’ve no purpose or meaning.
My direction is lost,
‘cause it’s You that I’m seeking.
There’s a strong pull that’s within me
I don’t quite understand.
I’m told that it’s your spirit,
and I fight to keep it in.
This fight is rather sensless
‘cause the war is already won.
My attept to do things on my own
is only repeating what is done.
You fought this battle for me
with your love that conquers all,
so then why am I in combat
when your blood shed bought us all?
I have a tattoo on my heart
you gave me through redemption
of all my pain so I am free.
Mercy undeserving is what I gained.
I can’t quite grasp what you endured
just so I can live,
but you took my death and darkness too,
so opression could find it’s end.
Mocked and beaten, bruised and slaughtered.
My hand is to blame.
Instead you told me I am free.
My burdened heart unshamed.
You took my debt upon you.
My sins they now are null,
and in their place a brand that reads
the letters PAID-IN-FULL.
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